“
And that’s why I’m wondering why you had to tell me
What’s going on in your head what’s wrong
Come around to another time when you don’t have to run
And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her the way that I do
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you..” -Howie Day “She Says”
I heard this song on my iTunes today and it brought me back to college. I don’t remember which year. There were probably a few points in college where this was a regular on my iTunes list (previously WinAmp…2001 what what?) I get a little nostalgic when the going gets tough, usually through music, what of it?
In all reality, I must confess… I’m finding myself having a hard time dealing with life. Mostly because I’m rolling into a 5 year-out-of-college (homies, we need a reunion…) point and I’m not where I thought I would be. Married yes – though many of my collegiate pals would not have pegged me as one of the first to get hitched. But working in retail, three jobs to barely get by? Not quite the dream job, despite the fact that I’m happy (though, ask me that in a month after working 7 days a week).Was not how I envisioned my life.
I thought I had very much defeated my quarter life crisis earlier this year but I find myself retreating to it. I started the Joy Plan, but I lost track of it mostly because I just couldn’t find the time for it. I think I will finish it. I need to. But maybe this isn’t my quarter-life crisis rearing itself on it’s hind legs coming to get me. Maybe this is just me dealing with crisis – often turning introverted and self-combusting until things are okay again. Maybe it’s both.
And it’s not a crisis – yet – but I’m scared. There, I said it. I’m scared of not being able to pay rent next month. I’m scared of sending in the paperwork to ask for an “economic hardship forbearance” for my student loans. I’m scared of working so much but feel like I have to to survive. To eat, live, breathe, and pay my obligations. I’m scared of going bankrupt. I’m scared of our debts, creditors calling. I’m scared of all that happening. It’s happened before. Not bad, and we’ve gotten ahead of it all but I’m still frightened.
I know hubs will find a job. God forbid he takes another campaign job, I may considering divorcing him (I kid, I kid) but in all seriousness, what I’m lost without is stability.
You know, the days when I could budget for a month without wondering how much my next paycheck would be. The days when I knew how much play money I had to get together with friends, go out to dinner and go out for a night on the town (a night on the town often equaled us sitting at a bar laughing together sharing a couple drinks). I miss having a life.
Hubs reassures me constantly that things will be okay – he has interviews, and yadda yadda yadda. Our parents won’t let us go broke etc…
But sometimes, I feel like that’s all just words. And I’m scared because reassuring words don’t pay the bills. Despite the difference that I have a job and Hubs doesn’t, he makes significantly more than me thus my fear.
This my friends, is not the happiness I was/am searching for, but rather a sad realization that tricking myself into thinking I defeated that quarter-life crisis was not in fact true, and that money may not buy happiness but it does buy stability which does factor into the equation that ultimately equals happiness.
