Confession: I drank my way through last weekend. I did not breathe. I drank. A lot.
It was as if every force in the universe that drew me to him back in 2006, was there drawing us to each other again. It was like a magnetic force that I had to ignore all weekend long. A pretty strong one at that.
But I came home, and realized, after listening to a lot of Kelly Clarkson, and crying after being told we couldn’t talk anymore via text message on the train ride back, that he was a soul mate.
Now, I’m a super duper Elizabeth Gilbert fan – I treat “Eat Pray Love” as if it were my bible and so after a lot of over-analyzing with my bestie, and crying, I remembered what she said about those soul mates.
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. – Elizabeth Gilbert Eat Pray Love
He shook up my world – back in 2006 and even this weekend. Teaching me always, more about myself than I could ever stand to write about. But the worst part, was the realization about how over the past was.
I know, I know, I’m married. This doesn’t matter.
But, you see, I dwell. I’m a dweller. A dweller on the past and the people who inhabited my past. The people who changed my life and changed me. Up until him, I had never had amazing, blinding chemistry with anyone. Not even The Ex.
Up until him, I had never been willing to drop my entire life for someone.
Late after the rehearsal, after some petty feud, trying to remember when I asked him to my senior ball, I found old conversations, mentioned my job search in Florida. I looked for jobs in Florida in 2006?!?! What the HELL inhibited me to do this?!
But this week, after a lot of Kelly Clarkson, and a lot of realizing how long over everything was – it’s a heartbreaking realization, especially the second time around, I came back to that quote. A friend reminded me of my love of anything Elizabeth Gilbert, so I looked it up, and reminded myself that it’s true.
He may have been a soul mate, and he may have changed me and my life but he taught me to not settle. And when I was willing to do anything for him, I wasn’t willing to settle for anything less than everything. I wanted all of him at the time, or nothing. He couldn’t give me his commitment, he, as my bestie told me as I cried, “didn’t deserve me.” And she’s right. I moved on, I met hubs, and since then, have been indescribably happy.
I believe that there will always be chemistry with a soul mate. But things don’t work out for reasons. Everything, after all, happens for a reason. I can’t say it was ever love for sure, but he taught me about myself. Unfortunately, matters out of our control meant that we never stood a chance to work out.
But soul mates are life changers. My life, was changed for knowing him, and I’m just sad that things ended for good. But maybe, just maybe, soul mates aren’t meant to be friends either. Maybe that’s just not doable. Who knows.
Do you believe in soul mates? Do you think they’re supposed to work out??
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