One thing I’ve struggled with as I’ve gotten older is not burdening myself with the “what if” game.
Yesterday I flew up to my hometown in Vermont sans Fiance. As the plane leaned over Lake Champlain heading South towards the airport, I remembered words spoken to me so long ago.
The water glistened, the waves were ripley, and I could hear his voice as if it were yesterday.
“I used to sit at camp and think…the girl of my dreams is across the lake, in Vermont…”
I wasn’t the girl of his dreams. I should have been, perhaps in a world of coulda, woulda, shoulda’s but I gave up on those a loonnnggg time ago. Back then, I thought we were meant to be – best friends who fell in love, but best friends who weren’t meant to be when it came down to it – so much alike and yet so incredibly different in all the important ways that ultimately factor into whether a relationship will be successful or not.
At some point over the past few years, I realized that those “what if’s” and self doubting games got old. I stopped second guessing every decision I made in the past, like whether I made the right decision cutting him off – obviously it was, or I wouldn’t be getting married in less than four months no?
Still though, every once in a while – usually when I’m alone and have some time to be alone with my thoughts – I think about those what if’s. In every scenario, I’m not nearly as happy, and not nearly as lucky to be blessed with what I’ve fallen into – a wonderful family that has welcomed me with open arms as one of their own, and a fiance who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread despite me protesting otherwise.
I got lucky. The what if’s might be there, and some of them taunt me daily as I greet members at the gym – what if I had changed my major to athletic training, what if I had transfered to UVM, what if I had used the connections I had to help me get a job on The Hill….what then?
I wouldn’t be where I am, that’s for sure. But despite the hardship and wondering day in and day out if my student loans will ever be paid back in my lifetime and whether or not I’ll ever be remotely as successful as some of my peers have been. Am I jealous? Of course. But I’ve also learned that getting through the twenties is not so much about being competitive with your peers but rather focusing on yourself and figuring out things for you, not based on what’s going to be better than some rival, or what your parents want you to do, because ultimately when it all comes down to it, it’s just you (and maybe your husband or fiance…).
So while I’m home, and I remember that The Ex never got the pleasure of visiting, as he would have been doing this time three years ago had I not had enough, I remind myself that I am blessed by the decisions I’ve made. While I may not be where I envisioned myself three years ago, I am perhaps better off – someday I’ll write my great American novel, someday I’ll get paid (more?) for my writing. Until then, I just have to have faith in myself and stop letting myself be dragged down by those pesky what if’s.
