Four years ago, I thought I was set for a career in public policy. I was motivated by my involvement in the College Democrats, driven by a will to succeed and to win. An idealist at heart with a heart of gold who saw the good in everyone, and believed that Government and policy really could make a difference.
It can. I still believe that. My personal politics have shifted, I’ve seen the grittier side of DC and loathe the “it’s who you know not what you know” attitude about so many professions in this area.
Thus, a large part of my unhappiness in my former job stemmed from the fact that I was no longer certain I wanted to be in politics anymore. A crisis of identity if you will, when you put so much effort and energy into one goal, thinking and hoping it’ll work out, uprooting your life to make it happen and just get your heart broken over and over and over again.
I’ve been broken, my dreams are broken. I wish I knew where I wanted to go from here, or what I want to do but I don’t. My idealist outlook has been clouded over by my cynicism and I need to wait for the clouds to pass. Because right not, I have no idea if it’s not that I don’t want to do policy or if I think, based on my experiences – what I classify as failures – that makes me think that I can’t. That I’m not good enough for it.
Is policy still in the cards? Maybe? I also enjoy social media, and web design. But maybe I want a career totally out of the ordinary – say like being a flight attendant. I’d love to travel and meet new people. But to be honest? I just…don’t know. At all.
I want to do something fun, I’d love to do something that gives me a little bit of flexibility in my schedule, I’d love to be my own boss but in reality? I just don’t know.
However, I love that because of yesterday, I can ponder all of this. I can sit here, watch Martha Stewart and think “that looks really neat, I’m going to go bake that” (which I’m totally doing – I’m making soda bread and car bomb cupcakes today). I woke up today happy for the first time in over a year. I have the opportunity for a new start, and I couldn’t be more thrilled for the opportunities that await me.
Of course, I know that I probably won’t maintain this attitude. I probably will get tired of sitting at home with the puppies really quickly. But for now? I’m sitting on a month’s worth of pay, I have some time to look for the perfect opportunity – not just the first one that comes along.
But seriously, everyone who commented on the last post? You guys are all awesome. It’s amazing to know that I have an awesome support base – not only from Fiance and our families, but also from my dear friends (who will be celebrating my unemployment with me tonight at the Capitol Hill) and my dear freaders of course. You all rock. A lot.
And I know that this isn’t going to be easy, interviewing is going to suck, applying to jobs and writing cover letter after cover letter is going to suck. And I’m going to cry – there will be rejections and feelings of “oh my god what if I never get another job” – all of which I’ve experienced before. But it’ll pass. I have faith.
*sigh* But for now? I’m just going to breathe and take everything one day at a time.
And seriously I’m going to consider a job like being a flight attendant. Or a freelancer. If anyone has any advice about either of these? Let me know! (or any other job leads for that matter!)
