I had a dream last night about a boy I haven’t thought about in a long time. I don’t know why I dream about past – dare I say on the sake of cheesiness – “lovers” but sometimes, usually drunkenly, I do.
Dreams, as I have learned in a couple of psychology courses over the years, are often our subconscious thoughts. I would say it’s our subconscious waging war with reality but that might be taking it a little too far. Either way, there are a number of theories about why we dream what we do and what they mean but I’m not getting into that. This kid was apparently creeping around in my subconscious for whatever reason last night.
I met him about a month into my freshman year of college. Meeting was weird – we began speaking over the all famous livejournal but consequently, were in a class together my freshman year. He was a year ahead of me, and I was…well…naive.
I call myself naive often because often times, I can be. We all are once in a while. But in my early days of college? I was…wicked niave. Yes, I dropped the wicked bomb.
In my dream, which I now vaguely remember, we were swimming somewhere, and he kept telling me how he always cared about me and how he was sorry for hurting me. I don’t remember much of the details but it struck a cord with me thus remembering it upon waking up, which I don’t usually do.
You see, I talk a lot about The Ex being the significant boy of my college experience. My first love if you will. I had a few “loves” in the way young love is, but The Ex bit me to the core, he got me in ways that up until Fiance, no one had. Of course that’s not always a good thing – as I’ve said before, the Ex and I had an arsenal on one another. An arsenal that can only be built over years of long talks, an arsenal that was based on a friendship that took a couple years to build that turned into attraction (that had been there from day 1) turned into love. An arsenal that he blew up. That I couldn’t forgive him for blowing up…I couldn’t. I tried…God did I try but I couldn’t trust him in the same way that I had up until that icy December night. *sigh*
But this guy…was the FIRST. I thought the world of him, so when, a month and a half later, after a whirlwind of a college romance, he told me, it was better – for my sake – if we cooled off. I needed to be more social, he told me. In retrospect, despite the tears, the crying, the heartbreak….he was right. My college experience probably wouldn’t have been what it was had he not had the foresight to see that I was wayyy too attached and well…wasn’t making my own friends.
Of course the ending wasn’t that easy. There was longing on my behalf, heartbreak that bit me to the core, loneliness, nights where he said he’d call and didn’t. Nights where he said he’s stop by and didn’t. It wasn’t as easy as “you need to be more social” no no, my eighteen year old self didn’t see it that way. My eighteen year old self was heartbroken and at eighteen in a new place with no one that you’ve really connected with? It’s grueling.
Of course, I do need to thank him for that, as it was during that period that I met my L. L lived upstairs from me, we met when we were doing laundry on a rainy day. That girl was my rock freshman year, we stayed up far too many talking about life and love and our experiences, and ordering far too much late night Dominoes. She is by far, even now despite the fact that our contact is more about phone tag and short emails, still one of the most genuine people I know.
That boy and I stayed friends. Kind of. We had the occasional run in that resulted in a few late night run-ins, and of course a mid day date after one boy once told me “you’re not good enough for me.” There were stolen kisses a couple years later, stolen glances during a karaoke night…it was a whirlwind through my first three years but sometime after all that, I stopped needing him to rescue me. I stopped needing anyone to rescue me.
He moved on of course, as did I. No more stolen kisses or glances, or any of that. I don’t know when we lost touch, but probably after an autumn night at karaoke….a few months later he had a girlfriend and that was it. We were cordial of course, but that’s all I ever really want with any of my ex’s.
But he taught me about myself. I guess that’s all that matter in regards to heartbreak and relationships isn’t it – learning about yourself and growing from the pain in the end.
I’ve learned something from all the boys/men I’ve dated – about myself, tolerance for insults, tolerance for controlling boys, learning who I have chemistry with, how to know what chemistry is (ah-hem The Goalie….) and then of course, when to shut it down. When to walk away. When the hurt, the pain, the resentment is too much and love just isn’t enough to save it (The Ex). Those are the hardest ones. Because it’s not that you don’t love them, because you do, but too much happens – fighting, breaking up, getting back together again thinking you can make it work….when in reality? Everything happens for a reason.
I wonder what that First Guy is up to these days. I hope he’s happy, I hope if he’s not that he finds happiness. He deserves it. He’s smart, ambitious (which I always find attractive), among other things. Sometimes, as I have learned, just because someone’s not right for you? Doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. I feel that in the heat of emotions, we often lose sight of that. This one Barenaked Ladies song totally captures that…
“And it’s not cause I’ll be missing you that makes me fall apart, it’s just that I didn’t mean to break your heart…” – Barenaked Ladies “Break your heart” (the ultimate break up song – get the version from rock spectacle…amazing!!! “I listened to this song a lot…” I told Fiance as I was listening to the live version on youtube. “I got that…” He responded. Haha.)
What have you learned from previous break ups? What’s your all time favorite break up song?
