I feel like I’m behind on life. Work is completely overwhelming if only for the fact that I feel stuck and hopeless and disgruntled. It’s a constant feeling, it hasn’t gotten better, if anything it’s gotten worse since this.
I’ve fallen behind on Grace in Small Things…already. (Thus the FOUR posts in a row, that was me catching up from the weekend) I have to do yesterdays and todays – then I’ll be caught up.
Wedding planning is overwhelming me a little bit more each day when I realize things like HOLY Crap! We’re SEVEN MONTHS out from today. And we’re in the process of changing our reception site. Because I have wedding ADD or something.
But mostly, as Fiancé told me last weekend in Georgetown, I’m unhappy, it’s seeping into my outside of work life, and I hate that fact but I also hate the fact that for once in my life I. Don’t know. What. I want.
Don’t know. Have no idea.
Where do I want to be in five years?
My answer? Anywhere but HERE. I want to accomplish something, work somewhere where I legitimately matter and am respected. A place where I want to be loyal instead of being accused of being un-loyal because I’m sick with a sinus infection that kept me in bed most of the weekend. A place where I don’t feel like I pissed away $120k on a degree that I’m not using.
But you see, I don’t want to write about all that CRAP. Because my unhappiness/mild depression is my own thing. I should probably throw myself back in counseling because I am a firm believer that sometimes? Talking to a third party helps. I wouldn’t have said that five years ago but then The Ex suggested I talk to someone to figure out my “committment issues.” My therapist assured while I (along with everyone else in this world right?) have issues? He was an issue in and of himself thus her suggesting to me that maybe if a boy is suggesting counselling? Then he’s not the boy for me. Therapist? Was right. Obvi.
But I digress, I’m thinking about it, pending I can you know, actually get time from my job to go and do it, because I’m overwhelmed, unhappy, unmotivated and just all around blah and well maybe, just maybe, talking to a third party will help. Right? I don’t like feeling like this and I know fiancé hates seeing me like this, hell, I hate seeing me like this. I feel like a doggone stick in the damned mud. I hate it.
Thus the lack of “substance” here at Legallyheidi.
But another thing, and I was thinking of this in the metro yesterday. Once upon a time, I was a free writer. I wrote about everything. Nothing was off limits (with an exception of my sex life. Still is. I don’t kiss and tell.) and it caused a lot of problems in my relationships. Of course, I had the ability to put a friends only lock on it and call it a day if I didn’t want something to be read by certain people. I could still do that but I choose not to.
I’m not really an “anonymous” blogger, not as much as I’d like to be at least. I don’t know a lot of the people who read this, and it frightens me to death that future or potential employers might get their hands on this or my twitter feed or my tumblr blog or my facebook profile and find that I’m not really as angelic as I try to be. But really? I’m not perfect. I’m human. I fart, I belch – often loudly, and sometimes I forget to put on deodorant in the morning (that’s why I have a spare in my desk though!). In my free time you can find me sipping wine, drinking heavily if it’s a special occasion, or lounging on the couch with Fiancé and our onerous puppy watching The Food Network. I feel like putting all this out there is a big deal for me these days. I find myself lacking substance to put here because of this perpetual fear of being judged or whatever. I don’t want to bring the Whaaaaaa-mbulance 24/7 but I mean…it can’t just be all cute shoes and pink bags all the time right? That’s what I thought. It’s a bloggy identity crisis I suppose.
In addition to all this crap that’s been driving me crazy, because the past week and half has kicked my ass health wise with the sinus infection and all, I have NOT started training. Yes, yes, this means I am officially two weeks behind on my training with race number one in a little over two months (the St. Patty’s day 8k might be out of the question. We’ll see how I do the next couple weeks). I’m feeling lazy, I need to lose weight, and guh. I probably lost weight not eating for three days (yes getting sick might be an easy way to lose weight but personally I LOATHE it. Especially when you’re starting to feel better but your throat is still uber sore and you can’t swallow anything but you’re HUNGRY. I’ve expereienced that a couple times) but I’m certain it’s all coming back.
Really though, the thing that bothers me most about all of this is my will. My inspiration. My motivation. I used to be go-go-go-go-go all. The. Damn. Time. My days would start at 9am and I wouldn’t be done till 2am after last call that was after classes, meetings, dinner with friends, followed by conference calls followed by relaxing for an hour (for The OC of course) followed by meeting friends out. Almost every night. Now I know that college life and “grown up” life are significantly different. I Get It. I’m almost 26. I’m certainly not 21 anymore – I can tell that by the nights when I crash on the couch by 1030 (like last night). But I miss that drive to be the best that I can be. The girl who had it all. Or at least that’s what it felt like at the time…
I’m just…lacking that drive. My will to succeed. I want it back. I want that spark back that comes with the attitude of “I know what I want. I know how to get it. And I won’t stop until I do.” It’s been MIA for a while now mostly because…well…I don’t know what I want.
That question from above? I don’t know where I want to be in five years. Or next year. I just know that I’m tired of being…unhappy. Tired of wanting to throw myself out the damned window at work. Tired of constantly want to tell the stupid department I sit near to shut the eff up because holy LOUDNESS! It’s like they don’t know what indoor voices are. I’ve had a perpetual headache since I got moved down to this end of the office.
It’s just this perpetual…unhappiness. It’s got me down.
*sigh* I need to get my life together…my ducks? Are not in a row. They’re in different ponds. In different oceans even. Not good Heidi. Not. Good.
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