I hold grudges. A lot of them.
I’ve been bitter, angry, and all those songs – “Since U been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson, anything off the Jagged Little Pill album…yeah the angry chick songs about slashing a dude’s tires after he dumps you on the curb? They’ve all been my theme songs. My mottos if you will.
Not anymore.
But? I still hold a mean grudge.
Case in point: the scene? My senior ball in 2006. The girl? a girl I liked to call – well it’s inappropriate so I won’t name her. I’ll call her…Homewrecker. Back in 2002, I dated an awesome guy who broke my young, naive heart a month later. After a tumultuous summer of broken promises and too many tears cried, we eventually became friends again. Friends that would get lunch, chat, and do things friends do. Essentially, the Homewrecker broke his heart a couple months before we dated, and after I came into the picture, she realized how she fucked up.
The whole thing transpired and I was the one left for a fool. I licked my wounds, I got over it, and moved on. Moved on quite well over the next few years with a few bumps and dating mishaps along the way. We all have that though.
Still, we became friends. Enter, the Ex. We dated. We broke up. Rinse, lather, repeat. Senior ball rolled around and we were in a broken up phase, so I brought his rival? I don’t think they were rivals persay but they didn’t like each other. However, the ex did me one up and sat next to the Homewrecker. J – the one who the Homewrecker got back, was DJ’ing the affair. Seeing them dance? Nearly made me vomit. Seeing her be friendly with The Ex? Made want to throw daggers at both of them. In fact, I probably did with my eyes.
I’m a jealous person – it’s an Aries trait. I think.
Anyhow, so I still hate the girl’s guts. For no reason other than the mere thought of her? Reminds me of what heartbreak feels like at it’s core. Not quite so bad as some of the wretched fights the Ex and I had, but we all know heartbreak, at it’s worst, as I’m sure we’ve all experienced makes you wretch, it turns your insides out and creates a crushing pain in your chest that makes you feel like someone is stepping on it. It’s a damp pillowcase with matted hair from crying yourself to sleep, heaving sobs that make your entire body ache and confused paralysis where you just don’t understand where the events that made you feel so horrible transpired from.
We’ve all been there. And I’m sure there’s a few people we still hate because we have been there. Am I right? I mean, I’ll forever hold a grudge against certain people and things that have hurt me in the past. I won’t ever go to Foxwoods Casino as that’s where the beginning of the end of my normal family started (thanks Dad). Call it immature, call it a coping method.
Oh! So back to what started this whole thing…(half of this stuff? I only mildly care about these days) J is a deejay. Since we stayed friends, I decided to see if he’d do my wedding. I know he’d be great at it, I bet he’d give me a decent rate, and it would be a lot of fun because he knows me. I was a little afraid Fiancé would be weirded out by the whole thing, but I believe (and I could be wrong, I’m sure he’ll correct me) I’ve assured him 1. that was a super long time ago. Any “feelings” that may have been residual? Were long gone by 2004. 2. If he’s uncomfortable with it? We won’t do it. I don’t need this dude to DJ my wedding so badly that I’m going to risk hurting the feelings of the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with – gawd I’m not THAT insensitive. 3. If he brings the homewrecker? I’ll call the whole thing off so fast it won’t be funny. So far, J has said he would love to do it, and is checking his calendar. Once he does that, I’ll have him give me an estimate on $$ and then we’ll go from there.
I love that things are getting done…as far as wedding planning goes…so quickly. I’m getting a binder to organize crap that I have in about half a dozen folders tonight, along with a swimsuit and some travel goodies for this weekend. Since we’re going to try to fly standby, I need to go all travel size in the quart bags which…I have yet to ever do. *sigh*
