Bidding the Past Adieu

At some point, you have to let go. I’ve never been a pro at this, I would hardly call myself an amateur. I like to think I’ve gotten better over the past few years, especially after a short stint in therapy though I should probably go back at some point, it was very thought provoking and insightful to understand why my emotions work the way they do and how certain events in my life have effected my emotional wellbeing.

/end tangent

But I was thinking last night, while fiancé was out and I was catching up on my guilty pleasure (not to be named…) on the TiVO that I still have a lot of stuff at home. Not home anymore, fiancé and I’s apartment is home.

I digress (again), my mother has moved, since i graduated high school in 2001, four times now. In those four times my possessions went from a bedroom, to a few boxes in the garage, to even fewer boxes in a shed. If i asked my mother tomorrow where they were? She’d have no idea.

But I was sitting there thinking last night what was in those boxes, old cd’s that I’m probably too embarassed to ever admit i owned them, a box of sentimental crap from high school – movie stubs, newspaper articles etc…, and another shoe box containing the stuff from my high school “sweetheart” D.

Now, D and i have remained on good terms. He was in DC in March and boyfriend and I almost went to meet up with him, things didn’t work out but he is probably the only ex (of my few) that I’d feel comfortable introducing fiancé to. D and I werent’ always on good terms. We broke up in March of my senior year of high school and i shut him out for a few months after that. Cutting him out completely. Something happened that changed my mind, and since then we’ve hung out a few times, and in a phase of drunkenness at a party at RIT when I visited him, even held hands and acted dare I say…coupley. But it felt wierd. I knew then, as I knew in March 2001 that things just weren’t right. But, that box sits somewhere at home, with my prom corsage, pictures and his old sweatshirt that I kept because we lived 3 hours away from one another, and a few other sentimental items. I haven’t looked at it in God only knows how long but I think? Nows the time to dump it. Though maybe not my prom corsage.

But then I thought about THE ex. The only other ex that I ever once considered getting married to (and then consequently broke up with him because the idea of it freaked me out) was the college ex. I’ve mentioned him in passing on here. A few of you know the whole story. I don’t want to get into it because this week? I cut him out.

We kept each other at arms length since our dramatic breakup in May 2006 – just about two years and one month ago to the day with occasional bouts of not speaking at all. He wasn’t actively around, and I didn’t think about him often, I’d mention his name once in a while when talk about the past – fun nights with friends when he was there…that kind of stuff.

I emailed him Monday morning and said “we always promised each other the courtesy of telling one another when we got engaged. i wanted you to hear it from me and not from our friends. [Fiancé] proposed Friday night. I said yes. I wish you only the best and all the happiness. Goodbye” Then promptly deleted his contact info from my gmail and deleted all past emails that had some how stayed in my gmail inbox (i hang onto things for a looonnnggg time) and that was that. The pictures, the few that haven’t been destroyed in fits of rage on my part, and the mementos, again the ones that haven’t been destroyed in fits of rage on my part, are around, the select few photos are embedded with others of happy times with friends.

I can’t erase my past. I can’t erase the impact that the ex had on me. However, for so long we kept each other at arms length. Him, likely because he was waiting for my relationship to self combust and waiting for me to run back to him and me? Likely because i was just too scared to let go.

You’ll have that. But me? Not so scared any more. The past? is gone. The chapter of my life pre-engagement? Over. Closed. No more. I knew that a long time ago but I never fully accepted? No that’s not the right term…I tried to be friends. I tried to keep him around because of the memories we shared but now? Not worth it. I’m getting married to the love of my life and I? Don’t need the past in my life anymore.

But the boxes of stuff, the photos, the emails, they’re all gone. I’ll hang onto the photos of D from high school, file them away in one of the many photo boxes, and remember the good times and smile. He’s one of the few people left in my life that knew me way back then. Months ago, I wondered if I’d invite D to the wedding, probably not is the answer, and the ex definitely won’t be getting an invitation. We joked about invited Fiancé’s ex if only because she’s the one who introduced us almost two years ago – without the intention of us getting together. Shit happens, you can’t help who you fall in love with, you get over it and move on. We all have.

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Anyhow, on top building that bridge and getting over all that crap, I’ve been being productive like whoa in regards to the wedding front. I think in regards to yesterdays post, I’m going to go with the Aniston do – as it’s…less drastic for me. We’re looking here and here for reception venues tomorrow afternoon (pre-hair appointment) and tonight I’m going to Pentagon City to have drinks with Liz and hopefully find a dress for my engagement photos next weekend – also known as Trying Not to spend Too Much Money…since like…I love every dress on the Forever 21 dress site as well as a new wallet as well as the Gap Dress and did i mention that there’s a huge sale at Ann Taylor Loft – spend $50 get TWO $25 saving cards??? Yeah. That’s right. I risk spending away my wedding. *sigh* keep it in check heidi….keep. it. in. check.

Anyhoozle…happy Friday kids

Tagged as: Ex's, getting married, moving on, relationships, weddings