Rant numero dos…summer wedding etiquette

by Heidi on June 9, 2008

So since boyfriend and I are soon to be engaged..soon to be I don’t know when but soon…ish. I hope.

I’ve been doing reading – wedding planning. Wedding etiquette. All that jazz.

So boyfriend and I had two weddings to go to this summer – a friend of his from high school (aka some random girl he dated from the town of one of my crazy friends) and of course my beloved friends who we’ll be seeing get hitched in like…three weeks.

We bought plane tickets last night. Plane tickets to CT and a bus ticket (to NYC where we’ll be picked up by my dear ole dad) and a plane ticket home from Burlington first thing Monday morning.

So then, tonight, after enjoying a nice dinner and a few glasses of chard…boyfriend gets this email.

Hello! I hope you are doing well.
My parents received your wedding RSVP, and Fiancee and I are thrilled you can attend! Unfortunately, due to numbers restrictions my parents have dictated, we are unable to have invitees bring guests who are not engaged or married. I am really sorry. I completely understand if this changes your plans and wish we could include Heidi, but our numbers will not allow it. Gar, I know.
I hope you are still able to share our special day with us.
Again, I am really sorry and hope you understand. I feel awful saying this.
Best,
….
Now I don’t know about you, but if the envelope only has one name, but the RSVP card clearly has names for TWO then what do you do? She knows we’re LIVING TOGETHER and are dating LONG TERM. I think that if it’s ambiguous and such? Let it be! Perhaps I shouldn’t be offended. Perhaps she’s in the right but unless you specify? Especially since she KNOWS we’re dating/living together/practically engaged ourselves? I think it’s rude. Especially after people have RSVP’ed and after people have made UNREFUNDABLE TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS!
Boyfriend is a little upset. Considering we just spent $400 on plane tickets up to CT that happen to be NON-REFUNDABLE/NON-TRANSFERABLE (subject to a $150 per passenger fee) (so even if we used them – it would be an extra $300 on top of the $400 we already spent for what is usually between $200-$400 round trip for both of us)
I don’t really blame him. I’m probably more offended than he is. After all, she expects him to still go even though I’m not invited? Guh. Whore. Definitely off our guest list and NOT getting a wedding gift either. call it harsh. Call it conniving and I’m sure she had no idea that we had already bought our plane tickets but generally when people RSVP isn’t that what they do?? I could be wrong, I’m not a pro on this stuff but that $400? That was boyfriends new ipod. And the weekend of dog sitting? Money for our own wedding.
Anyhow what is your solution? What would you say is the best etiquette in this situation?
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Tagged as: etiquette, weddings

  • arielleblogs

    I’m no wedding expert but I definitely have an opinion on this. There are pretty much 2 ways to indicate that someone is invited with a guest – you either include it on the envelope or you have 2 spots on the response card. If you send an RSVP card with 2 lines, you’re allowing the invitee to add someone else to it. To essentially rescind that invitation is tacky. I think it’s totally within your boyfriend’s means to write his friend an email and explain (nicely) that you already bought plane tickets because the invitation was misleading. If he’s okay saying it, he can say that either both of you can attend or unfortunately, neither. Sometimes people make their flight arrangements WAY early when the save the date card comes, so it’s not unreasonable to assume that you would have already made flight arrangements. If the bride and groom can’t dictate the terms of their own wedding, that’s pretty sad!

  • http://ohmygoshi.blogspot.com Ohmygoshi

    yeah, that’s really rude of them to do that. Especially since you’re not just some casual date. I’d say to try and make an effort to get you reinvited, but in the end, it’s their wedding so they get to do whatever they want to. If it turns out that they say “too bad, we’ll miss you” then certainly don’t let the tickets go to waste, take that weekend and go to CT anyways, maybe snag a room at a cute little bed and breakfast, and just hang out around there just the two of you. Then at least you won’t have wasted $400.

  • brandilicious

    Wow! I’ve never heard of such a thing! When planning my own wedding I made sure that we kept the numbers so everyone could bring a guest – whether engaged, married, a friend, etc. just so everyone would be comfortable and have a good time.

    Technically if you only want to invite one person you don’t say and guest on the envelope or the dates name (which I think she didn’t do) but to have room for two on the RSVP card – that’s just wrong because it sends mixed signals.

    And I think it’s super tacky she emailed rather than pick up the phone and explained the situation. Especially since you are coming from out of town. To say “due to numbers restrictions my parents have dictated, we are unable to have invitees bring guests who are not engaged or married” – Number 1 places the blame on someone else and Number 2 is just plain ridiculous!

    I’m a bit enraged for you. That’s just horrible. I do agree with Ohmygoshi – go to CT and enjoy your time – have boyfriend cut out of the wedding early and meet up with you :)

    (PS I’m guessing she’s not inviting gay/lesbian couples who technically cannot be married? Sorry, I’m being petty now!)

  • http://www.thisgirlsview.blogspot.com Sarah

    I totally get where you’re coming from with your rant. At the same time wedding etiquette pretty much dictates that whomever is listed on the inner envelope is who is invited. If it was just his name then it’s just him, otherwise it would have said “and guest.” The response card doesn’t really mean that much seeing as they’re all printed at once and all the same. It’s not like you can print different ones for married/engaged and single people. All of that said, wedding etiquette also pretty much dictates that no matter what, if a person is not married/engaged, you put “and guest.” That’s the real problem. I think it’s rude to expect guests, especially out of town ones, to travel by themselves. She should have put “and guest” and she has a lot of guts writing that email. Good luck figuring out what to to!

  • http://gilahi-blog.blogspot.com gilahi

    “Numbers restrictions”? That’s pretty transparent. There’s some other reason that bride, groom or parents don’t want you to attend. I would be tempted to ask them for your $400, and if I was BF, no way I’d go (referring to above comment about having BF cut out of the wedding early). If nothing else, they should certainly be made aware of the expense and inconvenience caused by, and the downright rudeness displayed by, this action. You have every right to be incensed.

  • http://lapetitebelle.typepad.com La Petite Belle

    ohhhhh. ok. let me calm down here because I think i just read a description of what I would call the rudest EMAIL CONVERSATION. ever. in this entire planet. that is the biggest load of bull%&$# I have *ever* heard. it is SO rude to not invite someone with a guest. and to expect them to know that since nobody does that ever. the rudeness!

    so here’s my solution: send her a wedding card. in it write:

    “Happy marriage! I wanted to send you a present, but due to a number of restrictions my bank account has dictated, it won’t be possible! but have a greeeeat life!!!! see you at our wedding. oh, that’s right. you won’t be invited. ”
    ….

  • http://autobiographyofmyfeet.wordpress.com Z

    Her email was just WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong. IF they have a numbers restriction, they should know before they send the invites out, and state clearly on the invite somewhere (usually a note tucked into the invite saying that they have a limited seating arrangement, and that this is just for one person) AND have an RSVP card that is clearly for only one person.

    And since they didn’t do it? They need to suck it up. We had a numbers limit at our wedding. We made it clear on our invites if we could only have one person (all being a single person with no significant significant-other, so we addressed it to them with no “and guest” and let them know that we were limited – even before the invites went out!) And still, one person RSVP’d for 2 … so you know what we did? We sucked it up and dealt. We’d rather have a happy day with no drama or issues, so who cared? We didn’t, not really.

    I’d be livid to have received this email… Just sayin’

  • http://www.jqlounge.com Julie Q

    shame on her!!! i got an rsvp from a college friend who included him plus 1, but he was SINGLE which is why I was annoyed that he did that, but let him bring a date anyways, cos its a wedding! no need to be a bitch

    plus you guys are living together! even in The Knot wedding book it shows how to address the invite to couples who live together and are not married (because that is NORMAL!)

    i think you should just write it off as a crappy thing that happened by a crappy person and in the end, you’re still saving money by not going to the wedding. but i totally understand the bullshit cos you already made (and paid for) travel arrangements

    btw- when me and hubs first started dating, the same thing happened to me. he got invited to the wedding but only “serious girlfriends and wives” were invited. but i what could i do? we had only been dating for a couple months lol

  • http://july-bug.blogspot.com julybug

    THIS HAPPENED TO ME! Except my manfriend was disinvited under the guise of there would be to many people. Please keep in mind it was a wedding of 500. At first I didn’t mind, we weren’t traveling for it but then I got talking with my gay hairdresser and he flipped for me saying they were judging my relationship. What if marriage was just something I didn’t want to do? Or I was gay? I mean we live together, it’s serious. Ugh total bullshit. I feel ya lady.

  • http://zubrowka24.blogspot.com/ Lexi

    WHAAAAAAAATTT? Seriously? She actually had the gall to send something like that? AFTER you had already RSVPed? I agree with everyone, that is incredibly rude and tacky. This is why it is especially important to make the guest list clear BEFORE invitations are sent, so a situation like this doesn’t come up. Wow…I’ve never seen anything like it!

    I love La Petite Belle’s suggestion regarding a gift. That would be fantastic!

  • http://lspoon.wordpress.com littlespoon

    That is so incredibly uncool. I’d crash it. :) I mean hey you already have your flight.

  • http://shannonstamey.blogspot.com Shannon

    I’m going to have to be the voice of dissent here (don’t hurt me!). If the invitation was addressed to the Boyfriend, and Heidi’s name wasn’t anywhere on it, then the bride had intended to invite only the boyfriend. She was probably surprised to see him respond that Heidi was coming as well. It’s a little gauche to bring a guest to a wedding when your invite doesn’t specifically say, “and guest,” or isn’t listed on the invite.

    And, no, there is no requirement that guests be allowed to bring a date. Some people, whether for budgetary or personal reasons, want small weddings. They don’t want a bunch of randoms around, or they’re shy and don’t like big parties, or, well, there’s a lot of reasons. It’s courteous to allow for a guest for someone who is travelling, or won’t know anyone, but there’s no etiquette rule saying it’s mandatory.

    Now, the bride was, in fact, rude on several levels: if you can’t invite both halves of a long-term couple, invite neither person. And the best thing she could have done is shift a few things around and make room for Heidi – I mean, it was an honest mistake to respond for two, and why make people uncomfortable? And if it was impossible for Heidi to attend, she should have picked up the phone and explained the situation – email always sounds so much harsher than a call. And blaming it on her parents, even if it’s true, is very immature.

    So my vote is that it was an honest mistake on the part of Heidi and her boyfriend, and the bride should have just sucked it up.

  • http://citygrits.net LJ

    Ok I am assuming he received an invite allowing him to RSVP plus guest and he did so, right? If so, in my Deep South opinion, I think it’s socially unacceptable to now qualify what *kind* of plus one it has to be. Humph. I’d be annoyed (especially with the tickets – gee!).

  • TCB

    Oh heck no she didn’t. This should have been somewhere on the invitation or discussed. Very rude and tacky! I’d so have boyfriend call her and tell her that the ticket is already bought and rightly so since no one told him that he couldn’t bring a date AND since you are living together, I think it counts and you should be able to attend. Who doesn’t allow dates to weddings? That is so odd because thats the one event you need a date to; since you cannot just hang with your friend who just got married. Aiyee

  • http://shannonstamey.blogspot.com Shannon

    LJ, the envelope had only one name…while the bride behaved appallingly, Heidi was technically crashing the wedding. Unless your name is specifically on the envelope, or it says, “and guest,” you’re not invited. You’re just…not.

    Of course, Heidi should have been invited. Couples are a package deal. Hindsight is 20/20, the boyfriend could have contacted the bride when the invitation was received, said he was living with someone, and asked to bring her. If the bride had said no, he could have passed along his regrets.

  • Sarah

    I agree with some of the comments that if her name wasn’t on the invitation (or “and guest”) then she probably she should assume she wasn’t invited, but I have thrown out the outer envelope before RSVPing in the past. What then? If the reply card has room for 2 names, then I think you should assume you’re allowed a guest.

    If you are making a determination that non-married/non-engaged couples don’t get a plus 1, then there should be a sizable enough group to order 2 sets of RSVP cards, one for those with guests, one for those without.

    And, after the fact, she should’ve made every effort to squeeze Heidi in or at least call and apologize profusely if they couldn’t.

  • LuLu

    OK so the invitation didn’t say “and guest,” but technically (and as dictated by proper traditional wedding etiquette) it should have. Anyone over the age of 18, single or not, should be invited “and guest.” Now obviously, in this day and age of wedding budgets and people fronting the bills for their own weddings (as opposed to their parents), this isn’t always possible. However, if you know someone is in a relationship, then it is definitely the proper thing to do. I’d be way pissed.

  • http://stylishhandwriting.wordpress.com stylishhandwriting

    The invite called for two of y’all, and I think it’s rude, tacky and ridiculous someone would e-mail you so near the wedding to say that you can’t come because of restrictions. If there is going to be a problem with that, don’t invite someone + guest. I hope your boyfriend lets her know that y’all already bought tickets to come that are non-refundable, so sorry, you’ll be there, too.

    This makes me wonder how many other people received E-MAILS about this. (That makes it even more tacky.) Ack. … I hope y’all sort it out, but I’m definitely agreeing with you on this one!

  • http://notthelifeiordered.wordpress.com Ashley

    OK thats just wrong. So very wrong. I can understand if you didn’t want the guy bringing a girl he just met to their wedding. FINE. but don’t disinvite a long term girlfriend!! That is just rude and inconsiderate. I went to my best’s wedding and she didnt allow guests, which was fine because I was single and it was a very very small wedding (15) but if i had been in a serious relationship with someone I would have been livid if that person wasn’t allowed to come (which would have been the case).

    He should email her back saying that unfortunately you already have made travel arrangements (and give her a piece of your mind because i’m sorry but you cannot do that). And then when she reinvites you (she has no choice) you should arrive REALLY late in the reception. :) I’m not evil or anything.

  • http://notthelifeiordered.wordpress.com Ashley

    Ohhh and if she still says no–tell her to refund you her ticket. she may think twice!

  • http://notthelifeiordered.wordpress.com Ashley

    i mean your ticket. Man i need to spell check. And not hog your comment section :)

  • http://amandabtv.wordpress.com Amanda

    It agree with most of the comments that there are so many levels of rude things going on here. Not addressing an invitation to someone and guest, even if they aren’t in a relationship, is kind of rude unless you are having a very small wedding. Second, to just email you and make it seem like it was no choice of her own to do this is just cowardly.

    I was listening to a radio show once where a woman was a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding and was told she couldn’t bring a date because she wasn’t married or engaged. People were arguing that this was the bride’s choice, but I think it is just ridiculous! People shouldn’t be punished for not being married and be forced to attend weddings alone as a result! Ridiculous.

  • http://duwaxloolu.blogspot.com Jess

    Okay, since I’m planning a wedding I have to say that I can understand people making policies like that because sometimes things get totally out of hand if you don’t draw a firm line in the sand. However, even if it’s firm it’s still IN THE SAND and not SET IN STONE and if someone has already made nonrefundable travel arrangements based on an incorrect number on an RSVP card then I would absolutely make an exception. Can he write back and explain the situation? I doubt they know that you’ve already booked your flights and if he explains that he found the RSVP card confusing, they may be accommodating. It’s totally worth a shot.

  • emmaelizabeth

    maybe they should’ve had better planning BEFORE sending out invites. most people assume a date is also invited (no matter what, because duh, who wants to go to a wedding alone? EVEN if they know people?)… idk. I would be just as offended as you, but maybe you can still go on the trip and while he’s at the wedding (i’m assuming you could still attend the dance?) have some free time to yourself at the hotel/whatever.

    last summer I was invited to a wedding via FACEBOOK event. yahhh……. try that for etiquette. I didn’t go simply because it was that rude to be invited via facebook. It was tacky.

  • http://fiveblondes.com Erica

    I’ve been in your boyfriends shoes before – it was the very first wedding I had ever been invited to myself and the first wedding of any of my close friends. It was a very small affair – so much so that the dear bride hand wrote the invitations. I had been in a relationship for about a year and wrongly assumed that he was invited as well – although it was only my name on the invite. However, the bride had the decency to call me and let me know – actually, we had a good laugh about it. Boyfriend was a little hurt, but I wasn’t upset at all as we were headed towards splitsville (population: HIM). Anyone ever in this position should call or speak to the invitee in person. Common etiquette.

    It is indeed rude that only he was invited. I guess in the parent’s eyes, an engagement ring validates a relationship. Ridiculous. But I have to agree with some of the other commenters – one name on the envelope, one invite. He should have turned it down.

  • http://www.thejerseygirl.org rachel

    seriously? screw etiquette. i’d send the bitch the bill for the change fee on the tickets. alright, maybe i wouldn’t, but there is no way in hell homegirl would be getting a wedding present. that’s just… rude. at the very least she could have called instead of taking the easy way out and sending an email. and really, what is one more person?! people suck.

    xoxox

  • http://coconutlime.blogspot.com rachel

    How ghetto. She knew you guys weren’t married/engaged when she sent it, so she should have enclosed a note making it clear you were not invited in with the invite, not wait until after you both RSVP.

    I’d tell you you already bought tickets. At the least she’ll feel bad!

  • http://themoderngal.blogspot.com the modern gal

    Is there a chance your boyfriend can call this gal (since she didn’t have the same decency) and ask for some sort of compromise? I agree that there should be a little bit of room for error if they have one or two more people than they expected, but we don’t know where her restriction is … it could be a sit down dinner? Maybe you could skip just that part? It could be the seating for the ceremony. Skip that? I think it’s at least worth it to see what she says specifically is the problem in numbers.

  • http://sassattack.blogspot.com Laurel

    The etiquette is that you always go by what’s on the envelope. If there’s no and-guest, you shouldn’t assume you’re invited with a guest. So, you guys did make a mistake (albeit a totally innocent one).

    That said, I think she should be more flexible. Saving the money she’d pay for your dinner is not worth alienating someone who just made an honest mistake! Plus, setting some kind of arbitrary engaged-or-married benchmark is tacky. You might set some boundary privately, but I’d guess that most people include anyone who is in a committed relationship!

  • http://www.ihatesomuch.com Maxie

    I think that the whole thing is RIDICULOUS. If they were concerned that he may assume that he can bring you they should have either called you early on in the whole process or they should have asked him if he had already purchased tickets. If I were you I’d have the BF email them back and say that you got tickets…they’re non refundable and it’s ridiculous for them to ask him to come alone (especially b/c it’s out of town!!!)

    people can be so stupid sometimes. and i LOVE thow they’re blaming it on their parents.

  • http://teaandcaketime.blogspot.com Megan

    Oh my gosh, so rude! If she has had these restrictions the whole time she’s been planning the wedding, it is totally inappropriate to only be mentioning them now, as opposed to around the time that Save the Dates are sent out (i.e., before people have spent hundreds of non-refundable dollars on travel!). Also, she’s being a bit immature by passing the blame-buck to her parents, saying that it is “their” restriction– she’s getting married, dammit, which SHOULD mean that she’s a grownup. I hope that there is a response planned by the boyfriend, stating that he wishes he’d known this before he RSVP’d, as the invitation was ambiguous at best and travel plans have already been made. Maybe placing the burden on her, asking what SHE suggests you do now that plans have been made, would be a good idea, too.

    I agree that the engaged-or-married benchmark is a little ridiculous, and one might point out that, by the time this wedding rolls around, you may well be engaged. My, my…that DOES complicate things! Man, now you’ve got me all riled up.

  • http://talenttoplay.blogspot.com Playful Professional

    Pretty sure that is outrageous. What is it really going to cost them to have one more person attend? I don’t think that there needs to be any type of title (engaged/married) for a relationship to be a relationship. If you’re going to allow guests then you have to allow all guests or none at all. Or at least they should have told you in advance. Pretty much ridiculous. I’d say go and spend the time in NY, blow off the wedding, and just have a great time yourselves. It could their wedding present.. you’re saving them money.

  • http://www.prettysandyfeet.com/ katelin

    okay yeah that is incredibly rude. i’m going to a wedding in a couple weeks and she didn’t leave room for guests because there wasn’t space. instead she just put the names of the people invited and that would have been much classier and a whole lot less rude. hopefully you guys can work something out with getting your money back or still managing to go to the wedding.

  • http://www.ohhowlovely.net Jamie

    This is so completely rude. I cannot believe it! Keep us updated. I need to know how this turns out. Ugh.

  • http://legallyboston.livejournal.com Lindsay

    I don’t think there’s anything I can add that hasn’t already been said!! Way to man up and email though… And blame the parents instead of taking it yourself! Mature.

  • http://pomjob.wordpress.com J P

    I’m sure it’s nothing personal… I bet there’s someone really annoying/horrible/miserable that she doesn’t want to come to the wedding and because of that person, the rule is being enforced: no guests unless engaged/married. If the envelope didn’t say and Heidi or and Guest then you weren’t invited. Reply cards are mass produced and it would be way more complicated to order two sets and correlate one line cards with two.

    Think of it as a vacation when the BF will be gone for a couple hours. Plus, there are always people that don’t show up so you could head to the reception a little late and fill in an empty seat.

    If nothing else, it’s a lesson learned for when you plan your wedding. :)

  • http://molw.wordpress.com Clarity Sage

    Whoa! Women get pretty riled up when it comes to weddings. hahaha

    I agree with whomever said to just screw the wedding and instead enjoy a nice trip to Connecticut.

    It is definitely rude to invite someone and not let them bring a guest. If for budget reasons you can’t allow for that, then don’t invite the person at all. I was so mad when I wasn’t allowed to bring a guest to my friend’s wedding but then one of her other friends was (well, plus I felt like I was only invited to serve as chauffeur for one of her bridesmaids…whole other rude story there). So whether the invitation was taken incorrectly by you and your guy means nothing because if you weren’t invited, it should have been made clear (especially if she knew about you in the first place!) or he shouldn’t have been invited at all (which is somehow less rude when it comes to weddings). And I agree that the mistake had been made, and so she should have just accepted that and made arrangements to allow for you to attend because honestly what was she expecting sending out that letter? For your guy to be like, “Oh, my bad. I’ll still go without my almost-fiance and dish out even more money for this person’s wedding gift. No worries.” That was just an incredibly rude and stupid move on her part.

    He won’t have fun at the wedding by himself, so seriously, just take advantage of the trip and have a romantic weekend.

  • http://molw.wordpress.com Clarity Sage

    OR try to sell your tickets on craigslist. You never know. It might be worth a try if that’s even an option.

  • http://mariablogs.wordpress.com Maria

    OMFG!

    That is just wrong. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. He shouldn’t even go. You are absolutely right to not send a gift, and go to CT for the weekend anyway, and have a good weekend. NOT at the McRuder’s wedding.

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