I was reading blogher this afternoon and after posting my own thing over there, I found this gem: “It’s not me it’s You…”
she quoted an article that had recently been in the Washington Post which I found interesting.
Since graduating college in 2006, I’ve found myself with more acquaintances and not nearly as many “friends” as I thought. I mean, it’s easy when you can just run across campus and have a movie night, it’s easy when you can grab lunch before you jet off to hectic schedules but as some of my best friends have often held just as busy or busier lives that I do, they understand. I was reminded of what real friends are when I was up in Boston in January.
Two of my girlfriends from circa 2001-2002 and I got together to share lunch celebrating S’s 25th birthday. We all noticed how different things were. How things have changed. But yet, the conversation flowed easily, it was as if I hadn’t been the only one to move away of our friends. It was as if nothing had changed yet we all knew that everything had. But real friends? Withstand that test.
Recently, I reconciled with a friend of mine that I had previously “broken up with” when I was still in college. We had a massive falling out in July 2006 and I found that that was the final nail. However, around the time I moved in with boyfriend I found a bunch of old pictures of her and I and realized I had made a huge mistake. You see, we had both been horribly manipulated by a girl who claimed to be our “best friend.” My senior year we were a trio. Inseparable. It was great to have a little clique of awesome girls who were always at my disposal.
N, the leader of our threesome, is the one that’s been phased out. Her “craziness” essentially brought L and I back together. The article says something that really hit me, because for some reason, I’ve been prone to toxic friendships a few times in my life:
“But what about when it’s one-sided? When you’ve decided that a friendship is toxic — more destructive than beneficial — how do you end it? And when you value some friends more than others, what happens to those on the bottom rung of your friendship ladder? A romantic breakup is socially accepted; the need to sever ties is understood. So, too, is a natural demise to friendship, a petering out over distance and time. But when there are no ordinary circumstances to facilitate a friend breakup, what does it mean to decide you’ve given up on someone? Is there an active way to cut yourself loose — without burning bridges?”
I’ve essentially stopped responding to N’s gtalk im’s, her desperate phone calls with some sort of drama that is never ever relevant to me and just seems so petty and a waste of time.
I’ve had too many friendships where I’ve gotten burned – sophomore year roommate who stopped talking to me and made for an awkward second semester, N who told lies to L about me (and vice versa) to make her seem like the saint…the one who held it all together, C in high school who back stabbed me, thankfully my two other gal pals took my side, sometimes though, I don’t think you see a toxic friendship until it creeps up. Till you get worn out from defending them to others, till you realize that maybe things aren’t as good as you thought…maybe you’re better off without them.
I thank my lucky stars that with all the trials that I’ve gone through the past couple years since leaving the ex, my real friends have shown their true colors and I’m so grateful that real friends have stuck by me because they love me, not because they want to manipulate me.
