So either….I’ve gained about 300 gazillion pounds or Nordstrom makes jeans about twenty sizes too freakin’ small. Excuse while I open up a bit to you my fabulous readers, I know I don’t do that often around these parts not because of you all, i think y’all are great but….because I worry that if I open up too much as I used to in livejournal land, I’ll start to cause too much…drama. LJ used to cause all sorts of drama…friends, boyfriends…you name it. Anyone who read it usually had some sort of beef to pick with whatever I wrote. But thats not what this is about.
But Seriously, I don’t have huge weight issues…no bigger than the next girl because most of us do right? I mean I didn’t really until Junior year of college. Thats when I started to gain more weight…not too much but a noticeable amount. Noticeable that my clothes that once looked good didn’t look so hott anymore.
I think it was sometime around the time a friend of mine said I was looking a little “hefty” in some pictures the summer after I returned from DC, or the time when my ex informed me that his father thought I was “chunkier” than expected. Or when my ex would make remarks about going to the gym. It was those things that at the time, didn’t mean anything because I felt I was hot shit, but now…they’re coming back and haunting me everytime I glance in the mirror and only see grossness.
Comments that I once thought i was over, done with, now seem to come back into my head a little more often making me just a little more attentive. But I’ve been a little more attentive toward my seemingly growing muffin-top despite my recent gym efforts. I’ve been a little more attentive since my Steve Madden boots showed up at my door and didn’t even want to zip up my calves.
Yet still, for as much as I’ve been going to the gym lately, I don’t feel it’s enough. Unfortunately, I can’t find will power to…fix it. I can’t find the willpower to stop eating that extra small bag of snack size cookies to give me a sugar high at 3pm in the afternoon to keep me going till 6 or 11:30 or whenever I finally get home. I did however find the willpower to stop drinking caffeine..in any form (well sans hot chocolate but that isn’t nearly as frequent), but still…i dunno. My teetering weight that has neither increased nor decreased since my New Years Resolution is frustrating.
I am lucky though. Boyfriend tells me everyday how beautiful he thinks I am…but for the first time in my life I have the least amount of positive self image. Which is only reinforced when I go to stores like Nordstrom and try on jeans that hang on the bottom of my ass, jeans that should fit and maybe they’re just super low rise. Either way…just…i dunno. Over the summer last year I cried in a fitting room for the first time, I was trying on some new work clothes and nothing seemed to fit. Everything made me look short and stalky, or short and pudgy, which…i have never in my life been. i was always the peanut of the group – the tiny, short, thin one. You see, I’m short so things either are too tight, too long or just overall huge. There’s not too many things that *i think* look good on me, and the ones that do…well I get incredibly paranoid about them and worry that they make me look like a pregnant woman.
I miss the days of blunt honesty from my girlfriends L and N. They were…quite frankly two of the best shopping partners ever. I mean this is all despite N’s manipulative, back stabbing nature but that’s another post for another time. My closest girlfriends – my shopping pals – are MIA. I need new ones. I need girls who will be blunt, who will tell me when something looks okay because mirrors are fools, and I worry that I no longer trust my own judgement in this matter. That worries me.
You see, I’ve been looking for a new pair of jeans for a while, a “dark” pair, a dressy pair to wear out. I have a hard time finding jeans that I really like, that fit perfectly. But gah, it’s so hard to find good jeans. I know i gave up shopping for lent, and I should wait until after Easter but man, I really…want…a pair and since my boss gave me $75 in gift certificates to Nordstrom today, I went to try to find a pair that wasn’t like…$400. Another thing I don’t get, is when the hell did a good pair of jeans get so damned expensive?!?!
*sigh*
I guess my biggest worry is that I can’t fix myself, that I can’t fix this and that my insecurities that are growing more and more every day will get out of control. I don’t think I’ll ever get horrible but i dunno…sometimes, I worry about myself and my own inner strength. I know, and this is why I’m not too worried, that things aren’t that bad, that I can fix it, that I can get myself to a point where I’m pleased to try clothes on, and feel like I can go out and not worry about people thinking that I shouldn’t be wearing what I am because…well…some people shouldn’t wear certain things that don’t look good on them…and i don’t want people to think that about me.
But please, please, please tell me I’m not alone here…
*sigh*
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
oh hon! *hug* every girl has insecurities about her body, trust me!! i also used to be the stick thin one and now all my friends are skinnier than i am! kinda weird, but i guess that’s how life goes.
if i knew you IRL i’d offer to be your shopping buddy. everyone needs a good one!!
hope you feel better soon. xoxo
right there with you, girl. i alternately LOVE and HATE all of the empire-waist-y styles that are in fashion right now.
Girl, I am right there with you. I used to love to shop and now I dread it. I am working on loving who I am…but it’s hard, damnit!
A few extra pounds doesn’t change the fact that you are a smart, funny girl with an awesome blog! (((hugs)))
You are definitely, definitely not alone in this.
Not at all.
I’m working on dropping the weight too. I’m not too much taller than you and TOTALLY understand the feelings. I mean. Seriously. And I feel all sorts of gross right now and.. blah.
Fucking weight issues.
omg I’ve been having sooo much trouble finding jeans lately. I hate complaining about my body because I know I’m pretty thin, but ughhh I hate the way my waist/stomach looks in jeans. I feel your pain!
If you were in Boston, we could shop together
Definitely not alone my dear
You are not the least bit alone. Weight issues, sigh. I hate it. I’m on a diet right now and for the first time this year I feel like I actually have the will power to do it.
I get my jeans from Old Navy because 1) they’re cheap and 2) they have 4 different rises. I know they’re just regular jeans and all, but I don’t have the money right now to be buying premium denim.
You are definitely not alone. Definitely. I’ve had many a breakdown in fitting rooms.
Right now I get the dive fit or some equally lame name ones from Old Navy. I tell myself, I will get them cheapy ones until I get down to at least an 8 and then I will splurge and buy some fancy smancy ones!
You aren’t alone. I think at one point or another many women go through very similar love-hateness with their body.
Keep your chin up doll!
xox
I’m commenting here just to echo the “you’re so fucking NOT alone-ness” that others have written, but then I’m emailing you.
*hugs*
This makes me want to drive down and go shopping with you. With the whole rowing thing, weight has ALWAYS been an issue for me. I was a heavy weight rower at 165 for a year before deciding to drop to be a lightweight at 130. Losing that weight? Was hard. The second hardest thing, right after losing the weight that I did to become a coxswain. From 130 to 115. I’m 5′7 and I’m NOT supposed to be 115. I realized I wasn’t happy there, even though I was constantly told how good I looked.
I liked it better when I stopped coxing and went back to my normal weight. I run as much as possible, row when I can, and best of all I FEEL healthy.
And besides, I’ve seen your pictures on FB and you’re gorgeous. So don’t worry about it.
I totally could have written this post. Sometimes I am like, “why is it so goddamn hard to just CLOTHE myself?” you know?
If you figure out the secret to cookie-resisting success, let me know, okay?