So either….I’ve gained about 300 gazillion pounds or Nordstrom makes jeans about twenty sizes too freakin’ small. Excuse while I open up a bit to you my fabulous readers, I know I don’t do that often around these parts not because of you all, i think y’all are great but….because I worry that if I open up too much as I used to in livejournal land, I’ll start to cause too much…drama. LJ used to cause all sorts of drama…friends, boyfriends…you name it. Anyone who read it usually had some sort of beef to pick with whatever I wrote. But thats not what this is about.
But Seriously, I don’t have huge weight issues…no bigger than the next girl because most of us do right? I mean I didn’t really until Junior year of college. Thats when I started to gain more weight…not too much but a noticeable amount. Noticeable that my clothes that once looked good didn’t look so hott anymore.
I think it was sometime around the time a friend of mine said I was looking a little “hefty” in some pictures the summer after I returned from DC, or the time when my ex informed me that his father thought I was “chunkier” than expected. Or when my ex would make remarks about going to the gym. It was those things that at the time, didn’t mean anything because I felt I was hot shit, but now…they’re coming back and haunting me everytime I glance in the mirror and only see grossness.
Comments that I once thought i was over, done with, now seem to come back into my head a little more often making me just a little more attentive. But I’ve been a little more attentive toward my seemingly growing muffin-top despite my recent gym efforts. I’ve been a little more attentive since my Steve Madden boots showed up at my door and didn’t even want to zip up my calves.
Yet still, for as much as I’ve been going to the gym lately, I don’t feel it’s enough. Unfortunately, I can’t find will power to…fix it. I can’t find the willpower to stop eating that extra small bag of snack size cookies to give me a sugar high at 3pm in the afternoon to keep me going till 6 or 11:30 or whenever I finally get home. I did however find the willpower to stop drinking caffeine..in any form (well sans hot chocolate but that isn’t nearly as frequent), but still…i dunno. My teetering weight that has neither increased nor decreased since my New Years Resolution is frustrating.
I am lucky though. Boyfriend tells me everyday how beautiful he thinks I am…but for the first time in my life I have the least amount of positive self image. Which is only reinforced when I go to stores like Nordstrom and try on jeans that hang on the bottom of my ass, jeans that should fit and maybe they’re just super low rise. Either way…just…i dunno. Over the summer last year I cried in a fitting room for the first time, I was trying on some new work clothes and nothing seemed to fit. Everything made me look short and stalky, or short and pudgy, which…i have never in my life been. i was always the peanut of the group – the tiny, short, thin one. You see, I’m short so things either are too tight, too long or just overall huge. There’s not too many things that *i think* look good on me, and the ones that do…well I get incredibly paranoid about them and worry that they make me look like a pregnant woman.
I miss the days of blunt honesty from my girlfriends L and N. They were…quite frankly two of the best shopping partners ever. I mean this is all despite N’s manipulative, back stabbing nature but that’s another post for another time. My closest girlfriends – my shopping pals – are MIA. I need new ones. I need girls who will be blunt, who will tell me when something looks okay because mirrors are fools, and I worry that I no longer trust my own judgement in this matter. That worries me.
You see, I’ve been looking for a new pair of jeans for a while, a “dark” pair, a dressy pair to wear out. I have a hard time finding jeans that I really like, that fit perfectly. But gah, it’s so hard to find good jeans. I know i gave up shopping for lent, and I should wait until after Easter but man, I really…want…a pair and since my boss gave me $75 in gift certificates to Nordstrom today, I went to try to find a pair that wasn’t like…$400. Another thing I don’t get, is when the hell did a good pair of jeans get so damned expensive?!?!
*sigh*
I guess my biggest worry is that I can’t fix myself, that I can’t fix this and that my insecurities that are growing more and more every day will get out of control. I don’t think I’ll ever get horrible but i dunno…sometimes, I worry about myself and my own inner strength. I know, and this is why I’m not too worried, that things aren’t that bad, that I can fix it, that I can get myself to a point where I’m pleased to try clothes on, and feel like I can go out and not worry about people thinking that I shouldn’t be wearing what I am because…well…some people shouldn’t wear certain things that don’t look good on them…and i don’t want people to think that about me.
But please, please, please tell me I’m not alone here…
*sigh*
