I have a lot of pet peeves. Bad drivers. Slow walkers. People who don’t stand on the right on metro escalators. Loud eaters. The sound of snot (people blowing their nose…etc). People in customer service jobs who don’t understand basic english. People who are in customer service jobs who are bitchy. Biggest pet peeve - getting stood up.
Yes - I’ve been stood up before. Dates. Friends. It’s all happened before.
A guy I dated freshman year and I remained friends - after he cheated on me with his ex, after I found out about it because he left his email open on my computer. His ex was mocking me for being an idiot. The times he said he’d come hang out, then never called…he was with her. It took two years to get over that. He kept promising me we’d hang out. A summer with unreturned phone calls, and many dinners that should have happened but didn’t later, we were finally able to be friends. He’d leave me messages on IM saying how he hoped I was doing well and let’s hang out soon. So eventually we started to - just dinner at Uno’s like we used to or lunch in the student center. By the end of senior year, I was really glad I had forgiven him until I had to see him and the girl who I hated for the rest of my college career together at the senior ball. Quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life - not because of them but for other reasons as well but moving on.
We live and we learn right?
Not so much apparently.
I questioned whether I should write about this but I’m livid and well…passive-agressiveness at it’s best right? Oh well.
You see, I had plans with a friend last night to watch a movie and just have a girls night in. I was thrilled, I was supposed to have seen her the day after boyfriend and I arrived back from the great roadtrip to the North, but alas car troubles and lack of cell phone or computer prevented her from showing up, much less calling to apologize. I was left hanging, and upset.
Before that, there were trips that were supposed to have happened. I’d clear out weekends, and low and behold, no phone calls, no emails. No apologies. Only excuses. I brushed it off because this girl has seen me through a lot of crap so none of this could be intentionally brushing me off right? just bad luck mayhaps. Well…so I hope. [there's more back history to here which i will not get into]
But those are in the past. We forgive and we forget right? Sure why not.
As I was talking to boyfriend before bed, nearly in tears but mostly out of anger, we talked about how immature it is to stand people up. To not call if something comes up. How bad it makes you look. We weren’t just talking in terms of her, but more in general - for instance when you’re apartment hunting, and you have an appointment to see a place - most people if they found something else, they would just not show up. Boyfriend was checking out apartments a couple years ago and he was running late to look at a place and he called ahead of time. The people were very appreciative because so many people had just not shown up and not called. Basically, by not calling or whatever…it really just makes you look like nothing more than an ass hole.
Now I must also say that aside that my friends are all for the most part good people. I surround myself with good people which is why I value all you fabulous readers because those that I have become…dare I say e-friends with…are all great and i sense we’d all be pretty tight “IRL” (god i hate internet lingo) but I guess it just goes to say in this situation “fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me.”
Now, I don’t know what makes a good friend. I also don’t know what defines a bad friend. I do know that things that I value in a friendship are reliability, trustworthy-ness, honesty, a good sense of humor and someone I know will be there for me when I need them. I value these, because these are what I bring to the table in a friendship. Don’t get me wrong, just cause I have a boyfriend doesn’t mean I’m going to disappear for no reason on your ass if we have plans. I do NOT value people who don’t hold their word, who are flaky and unreliable. One of the Cosmo resolutions/Things to do in 2008 is to “call out that flaky friend” and I vowed to myself that I would tolerate this kind of crap by ANYONE in 2008…I’m tired of feeling like I’m being taken advantage of because in general I’m bad at standing up for myself…it’s a bad trait.
So hey readers, what’s your advice? Should I tolerate this regardless of the excuse (which I know inevitably there will be one)? Or should I brush the dirt off my shoulders and move on?
In other news, i get the joy of working 1-7 at the gym today. After that I’m going to work out for a bit and then come back here and read some and watch sunday night teevee 
Yay Amazing Race Anyhoo…time to take the pup out!
Ugh, I hate this situation (and have definitely been in similar ones). I mean, c’mon, it takes TWO SECONDS to pick up the phone. Or at least text?! I mean SOMETHING. I’m upset for you.
It’s hard to give someone advice when you only know a small part of their history/the details of their relationship with someone else, but I’ve found that no matter what the thing/flaw is that bothers you in another person, at some point you just have to decide that you deserve better and that enough is enough. If you’re at that point, then I say drop the friendship, and if not, you can’t force yourself yet…
Someone I knew for 15 years of my life used to do this ALLLLLLLLLL the time. I definitely don’t think it should be tolerated. At all.
I may be bitter & jaded, though..
Sometimes you have to let people go. I had a best friend who was like a sister to me. We went threw not talking to each other for almost two years but it was worth it. We have a better friendship now. People come in your life for a season, reason, or lifetime.
first off- is that a boston bullet I see in your side column?! holy shnikeys! Alright- the friends situation.. I’ve never been able to blog/vent about it- due to most of my RLF’s reading my blog (but never commenting- go figure). I say just live and learn from it. Know that they are not reliable, but not to cut all ties loose. Because maybe they will surprise you some day- until then- don’t expect too much. And its good to have your boyfriend for support & your dog of course
I feel like I’m dealing with this constantly. It’s hard because you don’t want to lose her as a friend but you don’t want to be friends with someone who is so thoughtless. I say you call her out on it, tell her how you feel and that you’re not going to always be here if she treats you this way. You never know..she could just need to hear it from you. And then she may snap out of it and start making more of an effort. Good luck!
I hear you, sistah.
Friends can often suck. My advice to you is to take a break. Maybe call her out on it next time you see her, but beyond that, take a break. Let her know that her behavior is unacceptable, but you still want to know her.
If it happens again, forget it. You can’t trust her, and you don’t want that in a friend. Ultimately, it’s more stress you can’t deal with.
this is such a frusterating situation. has happened to be with friends on numerous occasions and it sucks. how i usually handle it is sort of like i would a new boyfriend/potential date. stop calling until they show interest again. i’m not going to force a friendship. if you cancel a get together or don’t return phone calls i stop trying. i’m not going to waste effort if you’re not doing the same. and this method usually works. they end up calling a week or so later saying i miss you let’s get together!
My friends always joke that I run on “KT Time”, which is code for always being 15-30 minutes late for everything. I don’t do it intentionally, I just have a really bad sense of time. They know that it’s my issue, and they love me despite my little (and numerous) quirks.
That being said, this seems over the line. It seems downright disrespectful that she’s not even putting in the effort to apologize, let alone let you know she’s not coming. If I were in your Steve Maddens I wouldn’t put up with it. Once in awhile is one thing, every time is a different story. I’d say have a talk with her about it, but make sure that you turn the conversation into I’s and not You’s (”I feel like it is disrespectful” instead of “You are being disrespectful”) Give her a final chance, and see if she makes the effort to change. If not, pull away a bit.
So I just went through (well not went through as this has been happening for a lifetime) this almost exact same situation with my all time best friend in the world. We have been friends since 7th grade but she lived in California and I lived in DC. We never got to see each other. As we got older, I would always visit her but she never came to see me or would cancel last min. no calls or anything. In October an incident occured and I finally went off, letting her know how hurtful it was and how furious I was that she never came to see me . It came out that…she wasn’t ditching me because she didnt like me, she was intimidated by my friends and me (she hadnt met them, but she didnt want to). She thought if I really knew her we wouldn’t get along in person. It was really hard hearing that my best friend would ever think I wouldn’t like her if I knew her “in person”. I dont know if this has anythig do with your situation, but it is always better to say something because you never know if a miscommunication may be the cause. SORRY FOR THE LONG COMMENT!!
do not put up with it.
that is a big slap in the face. and you know the other person would feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot.
second chances are useless, people never change.
[...] call. Just because one learns to call to say they can’t make it? Does not a good friend make. I’ve written about it here. In case you want some background. Not much has really changed since then in case you were [...]