So here’s a secret about me…
I get gassy sometimes.
So often, people like girls aren’t human. Like we don’t have gas or burp or what have you. We poop, we fart, we burp but often times it’s not in front of other people. Which is okay but if you’re like me…you can’t control it.
Like tonight during my workout. Whoops. Thankfully there was no one behind me on the elliptical…up…toot…down…toot…up…toot…down…toot… damnit. damnit. damnit. I hope no one is there. Sweet Jesus is this half hour almost up???!!!
Up on the third floor with weights…
ab weights…sweet jesus that one wasn’t supposed to smell like rotten eggs….well my sets are done! Ohhh i feel so bad for the guy taking that seat… oh sweet jesus…rotten eggs. bad bad bad.
K gotta keep this workout short because dear god whatever crawled up my intestines and died is coming out sooner later. Oh my god.
So i go to conclude my workout in the hot tub for a couple minutes and ohhh i don’t want bubbles there’s someone else in the other corner. Dear god!!!
Even now…I’m here sitting watching The Girls Next Door basking in my own stench. Sweet mother….
so for all you dudes out there…if any dudes read this…know that girls aren’t perfect. We try not to pass gas in front of you all…we try to be lady like…but well…
maybe thats other girls. Not me. I dutch oven my boyfriend 
He “likes” it. 
I also fart on my dogs head just for giggles.
My god i can’t believe i’m writing about this. I think it’s the influence of the Laurie Notaro book. HA!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
haha- you crack me up.
holy crap, this was total laugh-out-loud hilarity..thanks for posting this, very brave, and it’s true as well… good on you for busting through the “illusions” that we have to hide behind!!
oh my god! i love you for writing about farts and other gassy things that have to do with your butt! i love you … hard! hahaha!!
i have a friend that actually believes girls dont have buttholes. seriously.
so i farted sitting next to him.
i love crushing peoples “perfect little worlds”
Omigod, that is hilarious. The image of you on the elliptical is going to haunt me at the gym tomorrow
you’re funny!!
i get gas too. it’s an unfortunate consequence of vegetarianism.
I’d be honored to buy you a drink solely because you dutch oven your boyfriend. And then another drink because you blog about it.
And also? I *love* The Girls Next Door.
Haha omg. No words…no words.
I can’t believe I’m admitting to this, but I watched an episode of that Blue Collar Comedy show, and the one guy (the one that always says “git’r'done”) was talking about how he can’t do the stairmaster at the gym because it always gives him a “case of the farts”.
You can tell I lived on the Eastern Shore…gross.
Hahaha, I do the same thing!! I mean, I try not to fart at the gym, but there are days where I seriously think everyone can hear me and I almost die from embarrassment. I am SO glad to know that I’m not the only one!!
Oh. My. God.
This almost made soda come out of my nose.
hahaha. I am so glad you posted about this. Nicely done!
Hahahaha. This post is hilarious. And just so you know, this has definitely happened to me too! Eeee. Farting is just so inconvenient sometimes.
haha that’s hilarious. my dog used to fart and then look at me and walk away, as if I’d done it. it took me months to convince my boyfriend it really wasn’t me lol