Life in Pink

I’m a big Real World fan. Like huge. Have been watching since gawd, Seattle? Boston? San Francisco? Who knows.

But this season is hitting home a little. For those of you who don’t follow the big “plot” (as much as you can have a plot in reality television) is Jemmye, a slightly trashy girl from Mississippi with a lot of twang and a pretty big heart who falls for a hockey player – Knight – from Wisconsin who used to be a percocet addict after injuring his shoulder. Unfortunately, Jemmye is still dealing with the fall out of an awfully abusive relationship back home and Knight, as strong as he is, well, doesn’t seem willing to deal with it all.

Let’s get straight to the big thing here, Jemmye, dealing with domestic abuse.

I was never abused. Physically.

Someone really close to me was. Badly. Lots of phone calls home crying about the abuse. How she wanted to come home. But then less than 24 hours things would be fine. Unable to break the cycle. If you’ve ever heard that new Eminem song “love the way you lie” then you’ll understand if you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship or witnessed one.

But talking more about it with friends in the past few years, and witnessing Jemmye on Real World, and thinking back, made me think about my own relationships. If that makes sense. I left. I went back. I left. I went back. My sister, left she went back, she’d leave. She’d go back. Any sort of abusive relationship really is a cycle, and it’s tough to break.

But I was abused. Mostly emotionally, verbally, never physically, though an ex did once hit my pelvis with a sledgehammer (not hard thankfully) because he thought it would be funny. It hurt. A lot. This wasn’t The Ex, but still, it was the same cycle. Not feeling like I’d be good enough for anyone else, would anyone else love me? He convinced me there would be no one else. Only him. He was wrong, I was 20 at the time. Still so young. I do still remember the words “no one will love the way I do…” Oh how wrong he was.

It’s hard to see it in the moment. When someone cuts you down. But when someone makes you feel vulnerable in the sense that you don’t think you’re good enough for him or for anyone else? That’s abuse. Emotionally, but still abuse none the less.

I’ve gotta thank this guy for talking me through a lot of that, especially at the end of The Ex and I. You see when you’re finally strong enough to leave, when you finally have that epiphany that someone will love you for you and you won’t have to change and you don’t have to spend the rest of your life feeling not good enough, it’s still a big and tough step to take. Thankfully I met him, because I sometimes wonder if I ever would have left if I didn’t or if I would have gone back again and again like I kept on doing for a year and a half.

I remember taking that huge leap though. Bestie was there, I was staying with her. I had gone to his place for dinner and it was one small comment that just turned me around. He called me a time bomb. Unstable. I just had enough. Enough of not feeling like I was ever going to be good enough and like that was the best I would ever do. That he would be the only person to ever love me.

That wasn’t love my friends. It never is. And maybe at one point it was but when the same person similarly tells you that the world would be better off without you in one breath, that? Is no longer love. But then again, despite the feelings of being not good enough, and not worthy, I didn’t and still don’t see myself as a victim because I fought back, I may not have had the easiest time leaving but I never let myself be a victim and I yelled, and cried and fought right back with words that were hurtful, though never nearly as hurtful as some of the words thrown at me.

But when I did finally leave, the rain, after two weeks of straight rain, had finally stopped and the sun was peaking out over the trees in the South End of Boston. I walked home, dodging puddles, crying hysterically. I walked into Bestie’s apartment and she was on the phone with him. She hugged me, and he talked to me, telling me I was worth it. I was beautiful, and wonderful, and smart and I deserved better. After that phone call, bestie took me out, hung up on The Ex, and got me rip roaring drunk while we sang Rent in her living room late night.

But in the end, he was right. They both were.

I did find better, I found a man who makes me feel like top of the world, who is wonderful and smart and makes me feel like a million buckaroos even when I’m not wearing any makeup and when I’m covered in head to toe sweat after a ten mile run. To all the girls who don’t think they will? You will. You deserve it. You will find someone who loves you for you, who doesn’t suggest you change yourself, and doesn’t make you think if you change you’ll be good enough. For someone out there? You are good enough.

I’m incredibly grateful I had amazing people in my life to help me realize that, and I’m also more than grateful that my big sister finally realized that too and that she’s happy because so many women don’t realize this. And even if they do realize they’re being abused, don’t have the strength or support to do anything about it.

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